In your Relationship: Are you settling DOWN or are you settling UP?

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This Letter to Headquarters comes from Riley. He’s 45, from Los Angeles, California:

Riley writes:

Victory, I’ve got a problem——-but not the kind of problem you usually get. My problem is that I’ve got too many women and I’m having a hard time making up my mind on which one I want. Ever since my divorce about four years ago, I’ve been on a serious dating spree. I’ve been determined to see if there were women out there that would be more attracted to me and more compatible with me than my wife was. I was just hoping that I could find a woman worth spending my free time with. So I’ve been dating like a madman and I’ve met all kinds of girls——-but now I’ve had enough of all this dating. This stuff has gotten old to me. I can’t lie to myself, I’m really a relationship kinda guy. I like being with just one woman, because it’s more satisfying, it’s more comfortable, and it’s definitely less drama. But the woman has to be right though. I learned my lesson from the mistakes I made in my last marriage.

Anyway, I met this woman almost a year ago that sticks out from the rest. She’s about 12 years younger than me, killer body, with a good head on her shoulders. She’s sensible. She’s single and has no kids, but she gets along great with my son and treats him like he’s her’s. But on top of that, I gotta say that this woman turns me on more than the other women that I date.

So you might be asking: So what’s the problem? The problem is that although she’s obviously the best I’ve ever found, and she’s into me like I’m into her——–I keep wondering if I should go exclusive with her or if I should keep dating these other women. I can’t lie——-the other women I’m dating are different, but they aren’t better. She’s more interesting than they are and I keep finding out new things about her that really impress me.

But for some odd reason, I just feel like if I settle down with this one, maybe I’ll be missing out on the next one. But again, like I said, I’m a relationship kinda guy—-and  I can tell that she wants to settle down with me too. We have a lot of fun together and I go from thinking of her like she’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had to thinking of her like she’s the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen——all in under a minute’s time. It’s CRAZY. And I feel like I’d be crazy to let her get away. How long do you think a woman will stay with a guy while he’s still trying to make up his mind?


Victory Unlimited writes:

Okay Riley, you got questions——I got answers. Here’ my take: It looks to me like you’ve been on this “dating spree” as you’ve called it for about four years for two reasons.

  1. To experience what it’s like to not be married and to enjoy meeting a variety of women.
  2. To find a woman that was a better fit for you than your ex-wife was.

Why do I say this? It’s because of what YOU just said. More than once you said, “I’m a relationship kinda guy”. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Over these past years you’ve seen what’s like, you know what’s out there for you, and you now know that you have the confidence and the attractiveness to have a woman in your life whenever you want one. But now that you’ve proven this to yourself, and you’ve finally met a woman that’s proven to consistently be a good fit for you—which was your ultimate objective—-you’re shell shocked! It’s almost like you didn’t believe that it could happen. But here you are: Face to face with a woman that could quite possibly change your life for the better. It’s time for you to do a little soul-searching.

Attractive women who’re more into love than they’re into just money and thrills are well sought after. They’re on a lot of guys’ “most wanted” lists. So they tend to get snatched up pretty quick.

Look, now that you’ve been back on the frontlines of the Dating War, do you still prefer exclusive relationships over meeting multiple women all the time? If not, don’t keep this woman hanging on and don’t start lying to her by promising her exclusivity when you know that’s not what you want. Just keep dating and meeting women just for fun, or until you do meet one that inspires you to want to be with her and only her.

But if you do want a healthy, exclusive relationship—which is what it sounds like, recognize that the right woman for you will be the woman that doesn’t bring you drama—but instead brings things like acceptance, passion, comfort, consistency, compatibility, and peace of mind into your life. Does this woman seem like she’s coming through for you in all these ways? From what you’ve written, it certainly sounds like it.

Just because you’ve been sampling so many pieces of chocolate out of the babe box, don’t trick yourself into believing that you don’t still have a favorite.

You’re a grown ass man. You should know better than most people that at the end of the day, the only thing that differentiates one Bomb Level Babe from another is how explosively attractive she is to you, how comfortably compatible she is with you, and how consistently committed she is to you. Being a “Relationship kinda guy”, you know better than most guys that it’s a rare thing to meet a woman who so attractive inside that she makes the idea of spending more time getting to know her more attractive than wanting to get to know other women.

From what you’ve written, it seems to me that a lot of guys would trade places with you in a New York minute—not to mention a Los Angeles one. You’re living the life, Riley. Hell, I bet a lot of guys probably want to be living The Life of Riley right now.

Your mission is to calm down. First, think logically about this woman and check how you feel about her. Then ask yourself: “If my son had met a girl like this, would I think it’d be a good idea if he entered into an exclusive relationship with her?”

Now, whatever answer you would give to your son from hypothetical question is the answer you should give to yourself. Assuming that your answer was YES, then it’s probably because you know that deep down this woman is a good fit for you. So get off your ass and hand her the clipboard so that she can sign up for that exclusive relationship that she’s been dropping hints about. Then, just relax, give it time, treat it with respect, and enjoy the process of seeing where the relationship leads.

Nobody’s saying that you have to run out and buy the girl a ring and marry her within the next 24 hours. No, but what I am say is this:

If your past relationship experiences have brainwashed into thinking that that the very idea of “settling down” only has negative connotations, then I recommend that you begin to consider embracing the idea of “settling up” instead. Why? That’s because “settling down” is usually what guys do who are tired of chasing all the wrong women. But “settling up” is what guys do who are satisfied that they’ve finally caught the right woman.

Your future happiness depends on the choices that you make, and the direction that your “settling” takes.

~Victory Unlimited © 2013


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War Room Comments

One Response to In your Relationship: Are you settling DOWN or are you settling UP?

  1. Paul says:

    Well there are many of us Single men nowadays looking for a woman to settle down with, and it really takes both couples to be compatible with one another to make the Relationship work with a lot of Love for each other. The big problem today is meeting a good woman for many of us good men that are still looking.

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