This Letter to Headquarters comes from Law Man Stan. He’s 38, from Sioux Falls, South Dakota:
I met this lady attorney while I was working on a merger of two companies. The process took several days. Over the course of those meetings, we’d get lunch together as part of a larger group of other “corporate types”. In order to maintain my professionalism, all I could really do to show her I was interested was talk to her a little during breaks about general things, and give her that lingering “I’m interested in you” look. I believe she knew I wanted to get to know her outside of the context of the work environment.
Then, when the paperwork was over, I walked her to her car, and that’s when I dropped the “lawyer-talk” altogether and let her know that I wanted to see her again outside of work. I asked her if she wanted to meet me the following Friday evening @ 8pm to go to a cultural festival. It was not a formal event, so I told her we could dress casual and just go and enjoy ourselves. When I asked her out, her eyes got wide, but she still had a smile on her face when she said “Sure, that sounds nice. But do me a favor and please call me sometime Thursday to confirm.”. I was a little stunned by her response, but I said “Yeah, I could do that, but there’s really no need. I’m a man of my word. I’ll definitely be there.” She just smiled back at me while she got in the car and said “Yes, I’m sure, but just to be on the safe side, please just go ahead and call me Thursday to confirm anyway.”
I agreed with her to do that. But when I called her on Thursday to confirm, my call went straight to voicemail and I left the message. Then, a little while later, I get a text from her saying that she was “sorry”, but wouldn’t be able to make it to the festival Friday. She said that we might be able to get together some other time. I feel like she obviously blew me off to go and do whatever.
But here are my questions:
If she didn’t want to go out with me, why did she agree to the date in the first place? Also, why did she go through the motions of asking me to call her to “confirm?”
Law Man Stan
Victory Unlimited writes:
Law Man Stan,
Sometimes women who are approached by guys who they aren’t really interested in don’t just come out and say to them “Thanks, but no thanks. I’m not really interested.” Now, if more women were that honest and forthright, then a it would cut down on a lot of confusion that guys go through in an effort to make their acquaintance. However, some women that you meet will avoid telling you up front that they’re not interested by putting their ultimate rejection of you on “time delay” by simply saying
“Sure, I’ll go out with you, but just in case——–please call me to confirm”.
Some women use the “Call me to Confirm” tactic because:
1. They’ve had a history of experience with guys responding to them badly afterwards due to a bruised ego over feeling rejected
2. They’d rather not even deal with the guy at all, so they choose to just tell him anything just to make him go away
3. They have so many guys chasing them that they could care less about telling any one particular guy the truth because they don’t really care if they never see him again
4. They have very little respect for men in general, so it doesn’t occur to them that they’re being inconsiderate in some of the ways in which they treat them
5. They really ARE so busy that the only way they can manage their social calendar is with a administrative assistant who is proficient at setting up meetings in Microsoft Outlook
6. Or they really “do” like you a little, but they hope that the guy that they like “more” will come through with a better offer before the time of your date
Thankfully, not all women do this, of course. However, in your case Stan, we can use the process of elimination to narrow down which of these “Call me to Confirm” tactics may apply to you.
Since you’re also a well-spoken, seemingly, rationally-minded attorney that she already knows, and whom she may wind up seeing again at some point, then that eliminates reasons 1, 2, 4, and 5. Also, since most lawyers and corporate professionals already know how to manage their schedules, this eliminates reason number 5. All this leaves us with are reasons number 3 and 6.
My Intel leads me to believe this lady hit you with the “Call me to Confirm” tactic because she either has so many guys after her that you haven’t differentiated yourself enough from the rest, or she does like you——-but she wants to keep her schedule free for someone she likes better.
No matter which one is the definitive reason, the outcome is still the same. She’s not interested in you enough to accept your initial date or to make a definitive counter offer date with you after canceling out on you. However, the good news is that you were very direct, and definitive with her when you made your initial date. There is no room for confusion or second-guessing yourself about that. I believe the best course of action in your case is to keep making your case to find more romantically receptive women to date. There are plenty of them out there, you know.
Meanwhile, if the lady lawyer chooses to come back into your life again, let her be the one on trial. You sit back and judge whether or not she proves her case: Is she back because she really wants to spend time with you? Or is she back to just waste your time?
Either way, no matter what you decide, you’ll be in the best position to make whatever dating/relationship decision that’s best for you.
Photo by Daniel Foster
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